Cowboy Hazel

As I’m sitting out in front of the store drinking a Diet Coke and eating a granola bar today, I see three little girls dressed like Disney princesses running across the benches. Their nanny is off at the ATM machine and paying no attention to them. One of the girls, dressed like Snow White, is standing on a bench looking outside. Cinderella comes running up behind her, full speed, and shoves her in the back. Snow White goes flying off the bench into the air and eventually lands, face first, on the marble floor, screaming. Then, I see Cinderella run over to the nanny at the ATM machine and tell her that the Snow White girl just fell off the bench and wasn’t pushed. The nanny still doesn’t seem to care even though Snow White is screaming at the top of her lungs and making a scene. She finishes getting her cash, rounds up the girls, and they all walk out through the revolving doors.

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0 miles: I can’t feel my face. It is so fucking cold. Someone please start this race already. Why is everyone jumping up and down? Why am I jumping up and down?

3/4 mile: This is nice. My ankle’s feeling pretty good. I think this is going to be a solid run.

2 miles: Holy shit, I’m going to puke! I hope there’s not any more of these monster hills. Who knew there were hills in Maine?

2 1/2 miles: I should just quit. My ankle is on fire and my knee’s acting up too. I still feel like I’m going to spew.

4 miles: I can’t believe that I am doing this to myself. Not only did I voluntarily come out here in the 16 degree weather and decide to run ten miles, I woke up before the sunrise, drove two hours, and spent $150 to get here. I’m retarded. When do these hills end?

5 miles: I shouldn’t have grabbed that water. Now my face is turning to ice. Oh shit, it’s freezing on my glove too.

5 1/2 miles (downhill): Wow, the country up here is beautiful. I hope I see a moose! This run was a great idea. It was totally worth the effort.

6 miles (open meadow, strong winds): This race fucking sucks! My face burns!

7 miles: Another hill… my left ankle is numb, my left knee is throbbing, and my right hamstring is starting to tense up. Switch the stopwatch to left hand because of shoulder cramp.

8 miles: I wonder if I’ll ever be able to see a sign that says 8 Mile without thinking about that shitty Eminem movie.

8 1/2 miles (downhill): I’m feeling pretty good. I could probably keep going further. Maybe I should start seriously training for a marathon.

9 miles (uphill): Oh shit, I think I’m going to spew. Some old bald guy just passed me. That hurts the ego. I can’t feel my face anymore and my tooth feels frozen.

9 1/2 miles: Where the hell is the end? That wind is brutal… I have a brain freeze.

10 miles: Thank God. Get me some Gatorade. I’m going to go go die in a corner.

This post was imported from Facebook notes.